Rumors & Scandals


The Great White Hope

A.K.A. The Separate But Equal Season


          Never in the long history of fantasy football has an owner been so brave, so bold, and so groundbreaking as to set out to accomplish what John Stamos Cuddle Time did in 2017. It takes a steady hand and an iron constitution to set a goal this lofty and stick to it all season long, but that is exactly what we witnessed.

          Who among us hasn't asked the question: What would happen if I drafted and started only white players in a league dominated primarily by African-Americans? What kind of chance of success would a team that voluntarily handicapped themselves have against fully integrated teams? Would they even win a single game? Would their owner be chastised for racism?

          Let me give you some stats. The NFL is approximately just 30% white overall, and skilled position players that are valued on fantasy rosters are even more overwhelmingly black. Over the last decade it breaks down like this:

     QB - 81% White, 19% Black

     RB - 10% White, 90% Black

     WR - 12% White, 88% Black

     TE - 55% White, 45% Black

     K - 98% White, 2% Black

     IDP - 14% White, 86% Black

Obviously it would be an uphill climb to cobble together a capable lineup, but this is what John Stamos Cuddle Time set out to do. They built on a foundation of elite Quarterbacks (Drew Brees and Ben Roethlisberger) and drafted top-tier Tight Ends (Travis Kelce and Greg Olsen), as well as diamond in the rough WR talent like Jordy Nelson and Adam Thielen, and rookie RB Christian McCaffrey. They managed to put together a decent team, even with the losses of key pieces like Julien Edelman and Danny Woodhead. And it didn't take long for the all-whites to get their first win, a Week 2 victory against division rival Vermin Supreme. They would go on the win 3 more games, including a critical Week 13 triumph over the actually racist Auschwitz Zyclon Beezers, keeping their slim playoff hopes alive. And needing a victory in Week 14 to clinch the final spot, they managed to score a season-high 233.9 points, which would have been enough to beat anyone else except for Hurricane Ditka's 256. Sadly it just wasn't enough, but they still managed to finish ahead of last-place Thunderpussy.

          And so John Stamos Cuddle Time's great experiment came to an end, but with 4 wins, a strong 7th place finish and a hair away from being a Playoff team, it was far from a failure. And had it not been for some key injuries to critical white players, for a team that could not afford to lose it's already shallow bench, who knows what they could have done. But take comfort in knowing that perhaps they will inspire future generations of pasty, undersized white kids to greatness.

The Younghoe Incident

Week 1, 2017

          Eight years to the week since the infamous Sproles Incident, 2017 saw another Monday Night debacle between rivals Hurricane Ditka and The Ass Pirates. Ironically this would also involve the Chargers, though no longer in San Diego. And sadly the result was no different.

          The story begins with a rookie kicker with a funny name, who gained YouTube fame as a trick shot specialist in college. Younghoe Koo went undrafted, but tried out for and won the starting job for the Los Angeles Chargers. Under normal circumstances, he would have been well under the fantasy radar, but who wouldn't wanted a back-flipping kicker named Younghoe on their team? And thus when Sebastian Janikowski, kicker for Hurricane Ditka, got injured in the last week of the preseason, Mr. Koo was called upon and the trap was set.

          The Week 1 matchup between Hurricane Ditka and The Ass Pirates had all the hallmarks of their usual Opening Week contest, a close and bitterly fought battle that wouldn't be decided until Monday night. And so when all the Sunday games were over, The Ass Pirates held a slim 172.3-170.5 lead, a margin of just 1.8 points, and both teams were finished except for Hurricane Ditka's kicker Younghoe Koo. 2 points was all he would need to score to be the hero. But things don't always go as planned, and by Monday morning the scores had changed, giving The Ass Pirates an additional 2 mystery points and increasing the margin to 3.8. But that's insignificant, one might think, as this kicker is bound to score at least 4 points. What could go wrong?

          Then Monday Night happened, and the Chargers' offense got shut down by a stout Denver defense. They managed just one touchdown in the first 3 quarters of the game and didn't attempt a single field goal, earning Younghoe just 1 point. Yet he was still just a single FG away from clinching victory and the Chargers would finally come alive in 4th quarter, orchestrating two long drives that resulted in touchdowns. This brought the Chargers to within 3 points of the Broncos and Hurricane Ditka to within 0.8 points of The Ass Pirates. And it wasn't over yet. With under 2 minutes to go, and now well past 1:00am, Los Angeles marched one more time. Just 1 more point would mean victory for Hurricane Ditka. With just 5 seconds to go, the Chargers downed the ball on Denver's 26 and Younghoe came out to attempt a 44-yard, game-tying field goal. It was snapped, kicked, and it's good! Hurricane Ditka wins! Younghoe Koo is a hero!

          But not so fast. Denver's head coach had called a timeout, and Younghoe would have to kick it one more time. And this time, a Broncos lineman got his hand up and blocked the kick. The game was over. The Chargers lost, Hurricane Ditka lost, and Younghoe Koo became the undeserving scapegoat. He would go on to lose his starting job a few weeks later, both for the Chargers and Hurricane Ditka. But late on that Monday Night, The Ass Pirates held onto their narrow 0.8 point margin of victory, 174.3-173.5, ensuring a demoralizing 0-1 start to the season for Hurricane Ditka. It's like déjà vu.

          (*Note: Hurricane Ditka went on to win Vigilante Bowl X, and in an ironic twist this incident actually helped them do it. Had their fortunes changed and they pulled out a Week 1 win, Hurricane Ditka and The Ass Pirates would have swapped records and their playoff seedings. Thus in this alternate history, #3 Hurricane Ditka would have beaten #6 Vermin Supreme in Week 15, but gone on to lose a 198.9-198.6 heartbreaker to #2 The Turd Fergusons the next week. #4 The Ass Pirates would have faced and lost to the #5 Auschwitz Zyclon Beezers in Week 15, who then would have gone on to beat #1 The Sausage Bandits. And in the championship, the Auschwitz Zyclon Beezers likely would have beaten The Turd Fergusons to win their first-ever league title. So in hindsight, the whole incident is a little easier to swallow.)

The Tie

Week 12, 2013

          It's late Monday night and two desperate 5-6 teams are fighting and clawing against each other to squeak out a win, get back to a .500 record, and inch closer to an elusive playoff spot late in the season. Vermin Supreme, who sat at 157 points before the Redskins/49ers game began and still had RBs Alfred Morris and Frank Gore left to play, looked to be in pretty good shape for a victory. For Whom the Bell Sproles, on the other hand, sat at 123 points with just 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick still to go, and therefore needed the QB to outscore both of Vermin Supreme's RBs by 35 points for the win. This seemed unlikely, especially since Kaepernick had only even cracked 35 points in just three out of ten games on the season, but it was certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

          As the game went on, basically everything that For Whom the Bell Sproles needed to happen did. Neither one of Vermin Supreme's RBs were able to score or accumulate any significant yardage, and finished with only a combined 8 points on the night (5 for Morris and 3 for Gore). This meant that Kaepernick needed just 43 total points to secure the victory, and when he knelt the ball for the final time to clinch a 49ers win over Washington, ESPN showed his total at 42. Indeed, the game ended with the first-ever tie in six years of the League's history, 165-165.

          But the story doesn't end there. As already stated, both teams were desperate for a win, but just as importantly, they were desperate to avoid a loss that would drop one team down to a 5-7 record and likely out of the playoff race. So five minutes after the game was over, a phone call was made and a strategic truce was arranged, in which whatever happened to the scores overnight, the outcome would officially remain a tie between the two teams. This proved to be a big move for For Whom the Bell Sproles, because Tuesday morning Colin Kaepernick dropped from 42 to 41.5 points, likely the result of a sack that was not immediately recorded and scored as such. Nonetheless, For Whom the Bell Sproles was reimbursed their .5 point and what would have become a devastating half-point loss to Vermin Supreme remained a mutually agreed upon tie, sending both teams to 5-6-1 records.

          As an interesting side note, it appears the first and only tie in league history did not actually have any effect on the standings moving into the playoff race. For Whom the Bell Sproles would go on to finish the Regular Season at 6-7-1 and secure the #4 seed, even with a losing record. Had they lost in Week 12 and dropped to 6-8, they still would have been the #4 seed by way of seeding tiebreakers (total points scored). Vermin Supreme, who lost their final two games and dropped to 5-8-1, failed to make the playoffs. Had they won in Week 12 and improved to 6-8, they still would have missed the playoffs based on the same tiebreakers.

The Reneged Trade

Week 13, 2012

          So Vermin Supreme and For Whom The Bell Sproles, both teams destined to face each other again in Vigilante Bowl V, had just wrapped up their Week 12 matchup, a 206.5-166 win for Vermin Supreme. With just two weeks left in the Regular Season, both teams now shared equal 7-5 records and were gearing up for the Playoffs. While both teams had solid foundations and overall rosters, they each felt there were areas they could improve in, and brotherly trade talks began to emerge early in Week 13.

          The blockbuster trade proposal that developed would have shook up the dynamics of There Will Be Blood... enormously, rivaling the Peyton Manning/Tom Brady swap of 2010 as the League's biggest trade ever. For Whom The Bell Sproles was to trade top-tier QB Matt Ryan and RBs Ahmad Bradshaw and Willis McGahee in exchange for Vermin Supreme's QB Joe Flacco, elite RB Arian Foster and breakout rookie RB Alfred Morris. This was to give Vermin Supreme, who had a plethora of solid RBs, another top QB, while For Whom The Bell Sproles had the chance to bolster their depleted RB corps. The two owners shook on the deal, and walked away from the table that night intending to finalize the trade the next day. But after sleeping on it, Vermin Supreme had a change of heart, rightly having a hard time parting with franchise player and fantasy monster Arian Foster. The deal was off, leaving a furious For Whom The Bell Sproles to their own devices.

          If you go back to the last weeks of the Regular Season, it is unlikely, though not impossible, that any matchups were effected by this non-trade. Moving into the Playoffs, it is also unlikely that Weeks 15 or 16 were altered in any result-changing way. But Week 17, the Championship match, was a different story. Now if you know your history, you know that Vermin Supreme went on to beat For Whom The Bell Sproles 219.5-166.5 in the 2012 Championship, a thorough 53-point whitewashing. But had this Week 13 trade been pushed through, and if Flacco, Foster, and Morris were playing for For Whom The Bell Sproles, and likewise Ryan, Bradshaw, and McGahee were playing for Vermin Supreme, the outcome would be very different.

          Firstly, Ravens QB Joe Flacco was benched Week 17, as was injured RB Willis McGahee. This left Foster and Morris for For Whom The Bell Sproles, who scored a combined 66 points, and Ryan and Bradshaw for Vermin Supreme, who scored 48 points. If you apply the trade and then the likeliest roster changes to the Championship, For Whom The Bell Sproles improves to 210, while Vermin Supreme drops to 184.5, a jaw-dropping 78.5-point swing. The one likely divergence from this alternate history, which would have seen F.C. DITKA squeaking by Vermin Supreme in their Week 13 matchup, would have led to F.C. DITKA winning the division instead. This, then, would have led to #4 Vermin Supreme losing to #5 For Whom The Bell Sproles in Week 15, who would then go on to beat #6 Nature Goulet 210-165 in Week 17. Amazingly, either way you look at it, it would seem that history was forever altered by the trade that never was, and For Whom The Bell Sproles may well have been robbed of their first Vigilante Bowl title. But then again we'll never really know the truth...

 The Seven-Point Swing

Week 14, 2011

         The lesser known yet statistically greater Swing happened late Monday night, long after the fans of F.C. DITKA had gone to bed dreaming of Maurice Jones-Drew's 37 fantasy points in a sweet victory in the Regular Season finale against Team Snickerdoodle. When the Monday Night Football game ended, F.C. DITKA had pulled off a tremendous 207-206.5 win, just a razor-thin .5-point margin.

          Now we've certainly all seen a mystery point dolled out by ESPN here and there, maybe a team gains or loses a point overnight, no big deal. Even two or three points, sure, shit happens. But what happened that night were no ordinary mystery points. It was pure evil. Many theories abound as to what caused these fluctuations, but unfortunately we'll probably never know the truth.

          Whatever the reason, Tuesday morning the matchup score had changed to favor Team Snickerdoodle 211.5-205, a 5-point gain for the winner and a 2-point loss for F.C. DITKA. Not only had the razor-thin margin been breached, it had been absolutely destroyed. Although this sudden loss dropped F.C. DITKA from a 6-8 record to 5-9, it did not affect the Playoff Bracket in any way. F.C.D. maintained the #6 seed thanks to the tiebreaker of total points scored against Nature Goulet, and Snickerdoodle's improvement to 9-5 likewise kept them in the #3 spot. Nothing may have been physically changed by the Seven-Point Swing, but it was soon clear there was some emotional damage for F.C. DITKA that just could not be overcome.

          The real heartbreaker came the next week, when F.C. DITKA sought revenge against the very same opponent, Team Snickerdoodle, in the first round of the Playoffs. This did not go any better, as Snickerdoodle crushed F.C. DITKA 228.5-172, thanks in large part to Drew Brees' 74.5 points, a then Playoff-record. Take it from me, having back-to-back weeks like this is a shitty way to end your season.

The Ravens HC Incident

Week 7, 2011

          Its a few hours before the Monday Night game is to start and the Turd Fergusons are wrestling with a Head Coach dilemma. The Turds lead the Benperors 181-167, a comfortable 14-point margin, and still have dynamo RB Ray Rice and the Ravens HC to play against lowly 0-6 Jacksonville, while the Benperors have only average WR Anquan Boldin left.  After much deliberation, the decision is made to start the Ravens HC, seeing the winless Jaguars as no real threat and having the Ditka Trophy within sight. The MNF game that followed was a miserable 12-7 drubbing by Jacksonville, with Baltimore's sole touchdown coming from, you guessed it, Anquan Boldin. Poor Ray Rice fumbled his way to just 3.5 points, and along with the Head Coach, dropped the Turd Fergusons from 181 to 173.5, while the Benperors and Boldin added 10 to finish with 177. Impossibly, the Benperors pulled off the Monday Night upset of the season with a 3.5 point win.

          Now, if this were the only part of the story it would just be a shitty loss for the Turd Fergusons and a lucky break for the Benperors, but in the hindsight of a few weeks it became a season-changing break for the Benperors. They went on the win their division by just one game over Vermin Supreme, who would have held the tiebreaker.  Had the Turds held on to win Week 7, Vermin Supreme would have won the division and the bye week, while the Benperors would have dropped to the 5th seed in the Playoff Bracket and lost to #4 For Whom The Bell Sproles in the first round. Following this alternate history, #1 The Turd Fergusons would have then beaten For Whom The Bell Sproles in Week 16 in a would-be-record 245.5-233 offensive showdown, setting up Vigilante Bowl IV against #2 Vermin Supreme. Records indicate this would have been an epic 214-213 victory by Vermin Supreme in what would surely have been the closest Championship ever, instead of the back-to-back titles by the Benperors we were actually subjected to.

          But of course this is all fiction, based on one midseason roster tweak that should probably never have been remembered in the first place. But we can always dream about what could have been, especially if it screws that bastard Ben.

The Six-Point Swing

Week 5, 2011

          The "Six-Point Swing," as it has come to be known, occurred on Sunday night of Week 5, setting up a dramatic and ultimately heartbreaking finish on Monday Night Football. After the Sunday games finished, For Whom The Bell Sproles finished the day with 157.5 points, a 29.5-point lead over their opponent Vermin Supreme's 128.  This lead was tenuous at best, however, as Vermin Supreme still had QB Matthew Stafford and WR Johnny Knox left to play Monday.

          What happened that night is anyone's guess. All we know for sure is that Monday morning the matchup score was 160.5-125, a now 35.5-point lead, a six point difference from the night before. We witnessed a 3-point gain for For Whom The Bell Sproles and a 3-point loss for Vermin Supreme, a swing that could have serious ramifications on the matchup.

          In the Monday Night game, the Bears' D lived up to their reputation by limiting Matthew Stafford to 32.5 fantasy points, while Johnny Knox could add only one more. Vermin Supreme finished the week two points shy of For Whom The Bell Sproles, 160.5-158.5. Had the now-infamous Six-Point Swing not occurred, Vermin Supreme would have won the matchup 161.5-157.5.

          On a side note, the Swing was not the only bad break Vermin Supreme endured that week. Their other QB, Kansas City's Kyle Orton, managed just 2 points, while Bills TE Scott Chandler had 0. In addition, the Redskins D got the start despite having a bye week, a self-inflicted injury that may well have doomed Vermin Supreme. And as you've just read in The Ravens HC Incident, this win would have eventually clinched the division and Playoff bye week for Vermin Supreme and not the Benperors.

The Arnold Prank Call

Week 11, 2010

           "Good morning!" the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger greeted Kris by phone around 9pm Saturday night. "Who the fuck is this?" a rightfully curious Kris demanded again and again. "How are you? I'm Detective John Kimble." was the reply, "I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want them answered immediately!" 

          "I don't know who you are but I'm calling the cops," a now angry Kris threatened the mystery caller. "I'm a cop, you idiot!" was the response, and one Kris walked right into.

            "I want to ask you a bunch of questions, and I want them answered immediately...who is you daddy, and what does he do?"

          "Who the fuck is this? Why are you asking about my dad?

            "Stop whining! Get your mother please."


            "Put your mother on the phone."

          "I'm not getting my mom. Who the fuck is this?"

            "Who said you could eat MY cookies?!"

          "What the fuck are you talking about?"

            "You son of a bitch! I took a bullet for you!"

          "I'm getting my uncle on the phone."

            "One of us is in DEEP trouble!"

          Believe it or not this went on for a solid 8-10 absolutely hilarious minutes, in which Kris never caught on to the culprits of these shenanigans, even with the constant laughter that had to be audible over the phone. 

          The reason this qualifies for Fantasy Football is that the phone call was made by Kris' opponent that week, the night before the Sunday games, in an effort to rattle his cage a bit. If the 10 minutes of hilarity weren't enough, it paid off on the field. F.C. DITKA went on the win the Week 11 matchup 217-207 against Thunderpussy, in a close, hard-fought battle. Kris got the last laugh that year, though, as Thunderpussy went on to beat F.C. DITKA 204-153 in Week 16 of the Playoffs.          

The Sproles Incident

Week 1, 2009

          The Monday Night Football game between San Diego and Oakland is set to begin and F.C. DITKA is preparing to clinch an opening week victory. They lead For Whom The Bell Sproles 179.5-151.5 with all but two players each left to go. For F.C. DITKA its elite RB LaDanian Tomlinson and TE Antonio Gates yet to play, and for For Whom The Bell Sproles its QB Philip Rivers and backup RB Darren Sproles. The Week 1 win for F.C. DITKA was certainly not a sure thing, but barring some kind of catastrophe seemed pretty likely.

           Then the catastrophe happened. Darren Sproles, who by all rights should have returned a few kicks and merely spot relieved the future Hall-of-Famer Tomlinson, ended up surpassing the starter in rushing and receiving yards, as well as accumulating 180 combined punt and kick return yards. Tomlinson, on the other hand, was limited to just 13 carries and 55 yards, spending most of his time on the sidelines.  Philip Rivers had just an average day, throwing for 252 yards, a TD and a pick. Through all this For Whom The Bell Sproles has fought and clawed to take the lead on the final drive of the game.

          Flash forward to the fourth quarter, Oakland has just called a time out with 21 seconds left on the clock. San Diego has the ball on the 5 yard line and trails by 3 points. For Whom The Bell Sproles now leads F.C. DITKA 202.5-197, just a 5.5-point margin, but touchdown machine LaDanian Tomlinson is poised to rush in the game-winner for the Chargers.  Instead, it was once again Darren Sproles who got the call and ran in for the score, while Tomlinson watched from the side, clinching victory for San Diego and For Whom The Bell Sproles. The screams of rage directed at Norv Turner could be heard for miles. 

          Sproles finished the night with 29.5 fantasy points, even more than QB Philip Rivers' 28.5 points, and way more than Tomlinson's 9.5 or Antonio Gates' 8 points. With all said and done, For Whom The Bell Sproles pulled off a great comeback win of 209.5-197, devastating F.C. DITKA in the opening week matchup.

The Demise of the Buck Futters

Week 15, 2008

          You could say it began Week 10 when the Buck Futters defeated nearest division rival the Porch Monkeys 226.5-187, earning a 6-4 record while dropping the Porch Monkeys to 4-6. With just four weeks left in the Regular Season and a 100+ point lead over any other rival, the Buck Futters seemed poised to clinch the pennant and a crucial Playoff bye week.

          Yet over those four weeks, the Porch Monkeys ended the season on a 3-1 run, including a critical 5-point win Week 14. The Buck Futters, on the other hand, managed only one victory and three losses, leaving the teams with equal 7-7 records. Going into the final week, the Buck Futters led the Porch Monkeys by 48 total points scored, then preceded to put up just 137.5 points, exactly 52 less than the Porch Monkeys' 189.5. The Regular Season ended with the Porch Monkeys winning the West Division by the tiebreaker, which was a 4-point total margin: 2115.5 for the Porch Monkeys and 2111.5 for the Buck Futters. Sadly, the collapse had just begun.

          Rather than bask in the comfort of a bye week, the Buck Futters dropped to the #4 seed in the Playoffs and faced off against #5 For Whom The Bell Sproles. This did not go well, as For Whom The Bell Sproles dominated the matchup 192.5-152 and eliminated the Buck Futters. Little did we know that this would be the last game played by the Buck Futters, who would soon dissolve in the upcoming offseason. Perhaps the trauma of the collapse was too great, perhaps there were too many internal ownership struggles, or perhaps the scandals and torrid accusations became too much to overcome, but the Buck Futters could not recover. 

          The team was stripped down and sold for parts, namely RB Adrian Peterson and QB Drew Brees, who became the first overall picks of new expansion teams The Benperors and Team Snickerdoodle. But we will always remember.


"Let's kick some ice!"

-Arnold Schwarzenegger



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